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Saturday, June 27, 2009
do i tell him that? tell him, that like a horse that gets spooked by something unseen or through pure instinctual urge, I too get spooked easy. it could be something that i can't even put my finger on...I never can...I just absorb a small fault, a weakness, something that may normally be perfectly fine for me. that i need him to be hyper aware. Aware; NOT telepathic. I am too gun shy. I feel I will jeaopardize it before I am the one that gets beaten down. I push them all away. Once they get too close. Why? Especially since he says he is an accommodating person. That kind of freaks me out. I don't like non-opinions or someone that just does something...i don't know. i think back to M in Kananaskis and I still have no idea why I pushed him away. Too close, too fast. Did he simply try to get close to me, but burrowed into the wrong spot? maybe i'm just completely not comfortable with someone taking care of me...i don't want to be dependent on ANYONE. I can't let my defenses down.
i need someone that won't take my shit...won't LET me get my back up. and someone who won't run. i need to not be abandoned. But I don't want to be coddled. I need safety, but I don't want to ask for that safety.
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